Have you asked yourself? All that you are right now, from whom or from where it is coming from? Are you a Wandering generality or are you a meaningful specific?

 

Throughout my life I have seen my father struggle through his life, like everyone’s parents does I guess.

Recently I have noticed that I have developed some habits that comes out in moment to moment. When talking to my mom, I usually talk to her with Yes and No, adding nothing to the conversation. I tend to get pissed at my parents or people around me who are trying to talk to me. I text or talk about emotional things with people about anything that meant so much with that person, in that particular moment. I treat random strangers nicely, I happen to help people in any way possible. I tend to space out a lot and day dream about things I can or I could’ve achieved, If Only…

But what actually triggered the self-reflection was the time when I was walking and a lady past by me and her arm brushed against mine, and I jumped in panic apologizing to her. It was in that moment that I remembered that is what exactly father does. On deep thought and introspection, I came to realization that all my habits and the way I treat people and all that I am now is nothing but my father’s reflection in me.

Just like my father has his TV on and he is not watching it but he is completely spaced out in his own world, imagining the world he wanted to be in, just like what I do now. He gets pissed on my mom, when she is trying to have a conversation cuz living in the imaginary world is more peaceful than having a real conversation. Which is exactly what I have been doing recently. I see him treating people nicely, helping them in the sense that it might benefit them cuz no one helped him when he needed some.

I think just like me, my father had some dream, he wanted to achieve something. Do something amazing in life, I’m guessing expanding his business to new levels. But due to the family pressure and responsibilities on him, he could never do that. And as if getting married pulled him further away from his dreams, he stays separate from us, living inside his mind.

Same I have been going through, there was something or there is still something I want to do. But due to family responsibilities, it has tied me to the ground but it has taken my brain to deep thought cave. Just like my father, I sit and wonder about what I had planned to take my life to and in the direction now. And having a real conversation with my mom, is like pulling away from the imaginary world that we have created in our head. As time passes and as I am pulled deep into the life that I don’t want to live but going deeper into our heads.

Even something like fasting during Ramadan, I just dont feel the passion to fast, there is just a feeling of emotinal disconnect

The way he smiles, laugh and helps, gives out the energy that he has lost something. Something’s valuable like his dream. And that compassion he gives, has the energy that says, I was not able to do something in life maybe I can help you get your life together. That is how I behave now.

At late night, even he texts something emotional to people close to him or people who have hurt him or just expressing some of his current state of emotions, late night. People don’t understand him, his emotional state is because of a personal loss.

Is this a Failure? Am I seeing my father’s Failure in me? If I get married and have kids will I be passing the same thing over them? I don’t want them to live in their but in their life. Maybe I shouldn’t get married and have kid’s cuz I passing on the same thing on them would be a disaster.

Should I Quit my job and live a life I want to live? If I keep being a yes man, to my parents I’d be doing nothing but living my whole life in my head. I don’t want to live like this. Just because my father lived a life like this does not mean I have to do so. This streak has to be broken and the knowledge of winning should be passed on to my kids, if I have them some day.

For so long I have been getting mad at him, that he lives in his head without realizing that he is nothing but operating in pain.

Why we are not taught to live our life? Why we are not taught to carry ourselves and to follow our dreams or passions? I think this should be one of the most important thing to teach throughout, all the years in schools, to deal with ADD and OCD and all things that happen to the naive brain.

“How much are they paying you, to forget your dreams?”

– Unknown

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